How to Have a Difficult Conversation with an Employee

Most managers would rather do almost anything than have a difficult conversation with someone in their team. So the conversation gets put off. The late arrivals continue, the quality of work keeps slipping, the tension in the team grows, and by the time anyone says anything, the problem is much bigger than it needed to be.

In my experience, delaying difficult conversations is one of the most common and most costly mistakes managers make. A small issue raised early, fairly and calmly can usually be resolved in one conversation. The same issue left for six months often ends in a formal process.

This guide sets out a simple five-step approach to difficult conversations at work, the legal points to keep in mind, and the mistakes to avoid.

What counts as a difficult conversation?

A difficult conversation is any discussion where the subject is sensitive, emotions may run high or the outcome matters. Common examples include:

• performance that is not meeting the standard expected
• lateness, attendance or absence concerns
• behaviour or conduct issues
• conflict between colleagues
• personal hygiene
• personal circumstances that are affecting work
• feedback someone is not expecting

How to have a difficult conversation: five steps

1. Prepare

Be clear about the issue and the outcome you want. Gather the facts, specific examples and any records. Think about how the employee might react and whether there could be something behind the issue, such as health or personal difficulties.

Choose a private place and enough time. A difficult conversation squeezed into ten minutes before another meeting rarely goes well.

2. Explain the issue clearly

Get to the point early. Describe the facts and their impact, not your opinion of the person.

For example: "You've arrived after 9:30 on six occasions in the last month, and that has meant the phones weren't covered first thing" is far more useful than "You're always late and it isn't good enough."

3. Listen and understand

Ask open questions and then genuinely listen. There may be a reason you were not aware of, such as a caring responsibility, a health condition or a problem in the team. Understanding the cause is often the key to fixing it.

4. Agree a way forward

Agree what needs to change, what support you will provide and when you will review progress. Make the expectations specific and the timescale realistic.

5. Document and follow up

Make a brief note of what was discussed and agreed, and share it with the employee if appropriate. Then follow up when you said you would. A conversation with no follow-up tells people nothing will happen.

Employment law points to keep in mind

Even an informal conversation can have legal implications.

• Equality Act 2010. Consider whether the issue could be connected to a protected characteristic, such as disability, pregnancy or age.
• Reasonable adjustments. If a health condition may be affecting performance or attendance, you may have a duty to consider reasonable adjustments.
• Consistency. Treat similar issues in the same way across the team.
• Records. Keep accurate, factual notes. They matter if the issue escalates.
• Know when to go formal. If informal conversations have not worked, or the issue is serious, move to your formal disciplinary or capability procedure in line with the Acas Code of Practice.

If you do reach a formal stage, my disciplinary hearing flowchart takes you through the process step by step.

Common mistakes managers make

• avoiding the conversation altogether
• being so vague that the employee does not realise there is a problem
• making it personal or emotional
• not listening to the employee's side
• failing to keep notes or follow up
• jumping straight to a formal process when an honest conversation would have worked

Difficult conversation checklist

Before the meeting, check that you have:

• the facts and specific examples
• a clear outcome in mind
• a private space and enough time
• considered any wellbeing, health or equality issues

After the meeting, check that you have:

• recorded what was agreed
• confirmed next steps and support
• set a review date

Download the guide

The free three-page PDF covers the five steps, the employment law considerations, common mistakes and a one-page checklist you can use before and after the meeting.

Help your managers build confidence

If your managers find these conversations hard, they are not alone. I run practical training that helps managers handle difficult conversations with confidence, and I can also support you through a specific situation. Book a free 30-minute consultation to talk about what would help.